I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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