I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Randomize
