in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
