I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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