Are we in a gay sports bar?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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