If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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