I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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