i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
