so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize