I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
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