I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
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