Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Randomize
