sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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