I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
