U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
