Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I have feelings that need drinking.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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