He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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