There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
