He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
