Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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