His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize