went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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