Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
True strength comes from lack of pants
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize
