I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You ate ashes out of my bong
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