; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
i out mim tonsoeep
Randomize
