I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
