onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
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