The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
