Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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