No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
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