I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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