Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Randomize
