Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
