When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
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