Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I FOUND THE LEGS
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
