She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I'm too high and old for this...
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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