someone threw a dead crab at me
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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