Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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