I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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