There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
