totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
