Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
