woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
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