I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
