i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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