my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
