so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Where did you get a picture of my penis
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jรคger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day ๐๐#pensacolaproblems
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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