the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Is it because I queefed?
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
