It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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