You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Randomize