I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
