ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
