i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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