ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
He better not be in your backpack
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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