Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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