I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
