I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Randomize
