FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
