Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
