so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
