That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
