Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
