My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
