I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
