Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
