i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
