I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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