I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
